Paco: I am overwhelmed, working in the fields is tough and the jefe is on my case. I can pay you in tomatoes or with my daughter's affection.

Dr. Bassington:

Forget the tomatoes............. And.... I assume your daughter is of age, correct? Bah, never mind. YOU NEED HELP! Let me show you the answer:


All you need to do to diagnose your problem is click on one of the helpful pieces of information on the side of this site. If this doesn't solve your problem, contact me immediately. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about, I've been in the medical field for over 45 years now. I started out as a janitor, so I KNOW buddy, believe me, I've been there.

My office hours are as follows:
- always


*Just a Reminder: If I am not golfing, fishing, or at a cockfight then I am available. When I am involved in activity of those natures, it will be impossible for you to reach me. Even if you are on your deathbed. Sorry, Paco.

Paco: CANCER?!?!!?! What kind of information do you require, doctor of 45 years?

Dr. Bassington:
In this type of evaluation, of course we will need the following:

- eating habits
- sleeping habits
- alcohol consumption (on a weekly basis)
- sperm count
- show size
- gender
- occupation
- favorite color
- number of felines in your possession (if more than 2, consult my dearest colleague, Dr. Swan)
- music
- city water or well water?
- time zone residing in


*Note: I have been practicing medicine for the course of over 45 years now. I know what I'm talking about. Trust me.

Dr. for quite some time now, I've not been feeling myself, and a person with your esteemed reputation could help me with this problem.

With over 45 years of practice in neurosurgery, psychology, and studying human psychosis behavior, I always find it difficult to analyze cases such as yours. Without more information, I cannot give you an accurate and helpful diagnosis. You may have cancer. Then again, it may be a hangover. Could you please elaborate more about your symptoms?


In layman's terms:
I NEED INFORMATION. I MUST HAVE MORE INFORMATION. THIS IS CRITICAL TO YOUR WELL BEING! MY GOD MAN, YOU NEED HELP! PLEASE CONTACT ME WITH THE NECESSARY INFORMATION!



*BTW: I no longer do work pro-bono.